What am I missing?

stumbling from day to week to month to year

"All is not well", whispers the thought
emerging with morning, familiarly fraught.
It takes its vice grip on the back of my head
and my heart contracts with the feeling of dread.
Surely it's impossible for one to carry on
when everything feels like too much, what can be done?

Have you tried journaling, or going for a run?
Make sure that your eyes get some morning sun.
I heard it in a podcast, Andrew Huberman of course,
the guy knows his stuff, he's my number one source.
And gratitude practice to rewire your neural pathways:
"neurons that fire together, wire together", you've heard the saying.
You should do breathwork first thing in the day
and meditation or yoga nidra before hitting the hay.
Also, be sure to get your sleep hygiene right:
magnesium before bed, and no phone blue light.

Of course, there's always therapy, there's plenty on offer,
just make sure you have enough cash in the coffer.
Psychodynamic, Jungian, Internal Family Systems,
along with plenty of other fancy acronyms.
You could find a life coach, a neuro-linguistic programming expert.
Have you heard of the Enneagram? That's sure to work!
Or maybe you actually need to take a pill:
Ritalin or Prozac, Valium or Urbanol.

Hmm, this isn't working...
What am I missing?

Ah, I know - you need a dopamine detox!
And sorting out your diet is sure to tick the box.
Go plant-based to reduce inflammation and heal your gut;
you've heard of the gut-brain connection, surely you must?
Or maybe keto is where it is at?
To keep itself healthy, your brain needs the fat.
Ooh, and fasting, especially the intermittent type.
It's scientifically backed, it's more than just hype.
Cacao and blue lotus will raise your vibration
or Sceletium, it's the original upper medication.
Try adding some lion's mane and ashwagandha to your morning mix;
good for hormonal regulation and focus, much better than your caffeine fix.

Have you done a vipassana, or zen meditation?
Have you tried mantras and positive affirmations?
Surrender, let go, manifest abundance,
"I love myself" in the mirror, just repeat the sentence.
You need to establish a consistent movement routine:
yoga, pilates, qi gong, or tai chi.
Or you can go for trauma release;
"The Body Keeps The Score", it's the new Bible you must read.

And yet, despite each well-intentioned nudge,
there's still a deep ache that stubbornly won't budge.
What am I missing?

Do you know your Human Design?
Perhaps you need another sign?
Have you read your daily rune?
In what constellation is your moon?
Ah, but you must look at the Vedic or Mayan charts.
Astrology is a rather complicated art.
Or is it that you've finally met your twin flame?
Surely quantum entanglement is what's to blame?
Maybe you need to release your sacred rage,
have a tantric de-armouring session, let your inner animal out of its cage.

Have you had your Akashic records read?
Or connected with your Spirit Guides, or even the dead?
A tarot reading could point you the way,
or perhaps a Kundalini activation is the order of the day:
open your third eye, get your pineal gland to release some DMT.
Or maybe a chakra clearing, crystal healing, or some plain old reiki.

Have you looked into the ancestral trauma trough?
Because healing your inner child is not enough:
wother-wound father-wound every fucking wound,
past-life regression for your third cousin, five lifetimes removed.

Maybe you need a journey, LSD or MDMA.
Although you should keep it natural, some might just say.
Then there's Ayahuasca, iboga, mushrooms, San Pedro.
Maybe you just need a microdose?

You could fork out a small fortune to commune with the high priests.
Joe Dispenza, Tony Robbins, or Wim Hof, at the very least.
Or maybe you'll settle for the clergy on Instagram:
this webinar, that workshop, this breakthrough program.
Something for sale everywhere you look:
a course, a limited-time offer, a new e-book.
Continually reminded of the gap to being whole.
Fear and dissatisfaction, the marketer's gold.
Is this actually about healing?
Or is it spiritual wheeling and dealing?

Have I fucking missed it?

Or is this all one big mishit?

Looking for signs, the glitch in our matrices;
primed to find the smallest synchronicities.
Or is it our desire for significance,
projected onto mere circumstance?
Searching for some magical other that when attained
leads me to believe I am saved
only to see in the moments thereafter it was just a mirage
to keep me going, tapping on the glass.

Stumbling from day to week to month to year.
Knock, knock - is any one there?

Silence.

Or is it the almost imperceptible static of a trillion connected sparks
saying "you are that which you seek", there are no qualifying remarks.
Put down the weapons of knowing;
stop the search for ultimate cause and effect.
You are God discovering itself through form.
You are not broken.
You are homesick.

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Thanks to Sophie for listening to numerous revisions and giving valuable input, and to Nic and George for indulging (and encouraging) my poetry exploits.