What am I missing?
stumbling from day to week to month to year
Another day dawns heavy in my chest A sense of uneasiness, it seems there's no rest fear takes its vice grip on the back of my neck my heart contracts, my nerves, a wreck when will it stop, what can be done? when life feels like too much, when there's no will to carry on? The world tries its best to give out advice a variety of options, each with its price Have you tried journaling, or going for a run? Make sure that your eyes get some morning sun I heard it in a podcast, Andrew Huberman of course The guy knows his stuff, he’s my number one source And gratitude practice to rewire your neural pathways "neurons that fire together, wire together", you’ve heard the saying You should do breathwork first thing in the day and meditation or yoga nidra before hitting the hay Also, be sure to get your sleep hygiene right: magnesium before bed, and no phone blue light Of course, there’s always therapy, there’s plenty on offer Just make sure you have enough cash in the coffer Psychodynamic, Jungian, Internal Family Systems along with plenty of other fancy acronyms You could find a life coach, a neuro-linguistic programming expert Have you heard of the Enneagram? That’s sure to work Or maybe you actually need to take a pill: Ritalin or Prozac, Valium or Urbanol Hmm, this isn’t working... what am I missing? Ah, I know - you need a dopamine detox and sorting out your diet is sure to tick the box go plant-based to reduce inflammation and heal your gut fixing the gut-brain connection will get you out of your rut or maybe keto is what you need metabolic-psychiatry is a whole new field Ooh, and fasting, especially the intermittent type It’s scientifically backed, more than just hype Cacao and blue lotus will raise your vibration Or sceletium, the original upper medication Try adding some lion’s mane and ashwagandha to your morning mix It's good for hormonal regulation and focus, much better than your caffeine fix Have you done a vipassana, or Zen meditation? Have you tried mantras and positive affirmations? Surrender, let go, manifest abundance "I love myself" in the mirror, just repeat the sentence You need to establish a consistent movement routine: Yoga, pilates, qi gong, or tai chi or you can go for trauma release "The Body Keeps The Score", it’s the new Bible you must read And yet, despite each well-intentioned nudge there’s still a deep ache that stubbornly won’t budge What am I missing? Do you know your Human Design? Perhaps you need another sign? Have you read your daily rune? In what constellation is your moon? Ah, but you must look at the Vedic or Mayan charts Astrology is a rather complicated art Or is it that you’ve finally met your twin flame? Surely quantum entanglement is what’s to blame Maybe you need to release your sacred rage Have a tantric de-armouring session, let your inner animal out of its cage Have you had your Akashic records read? Or connected with your Spirit Guides, or even the dead? A tarot reading could point you the way Or perhaps a Kundalini activation is the order of the day Open your third eye, get your pineal gland to release some DMT Or maybe a chakra clearing, crystal healing, or some plain old reiki Have you looked into the ancestral trauma trough? because healing your inner child is not enough mother-wound, father-wound, every fucking wound Past-life regression for your third cousin, five lifetimes removed Maybe you need a journey, LSD or MDMA Although you should keep it natural, some might just say Then there’s Ayahuasca, iboga, mushrooms, San Pedro Maybe you just need a microdose? You could fork out a small fortune to commune with the high priests Joe Dispenza, Tony Robbins, or Wim Hof, at the very least Or maybe you’ll settle for the clergy on Instagram this webinar, that workshop, this breakthrough program Something for sale everywhere you look: a course, a limited-time offer, a new e-book Continually reminded of the gap to being whole fear and dissatisfaction, the marketer’s gold Is this actually about healing? or is it spiritual wheeling and dealing? Have I fucking missed it? Or is this all one big mishit? Looking for signs, the glitch in our matrices Primed to find the smallest synchronicities Or is it our desire for significance projected onto mere circumstance searching for some magical other that when attained leads me to believe I am saved only to see in the moments thereafter it was just a mirage to keep me going, tapping on the glass? Stumbling from day to week to month to year Knock, knock - Is any one there? Silence. Or is it the almost imperceptible static of a trillion connected sparks saying "you are that which you seek", there are no qualifying remarks Put down the weapons of knowing Stop the search for ultimate cause and effect You are God discovering itself through form You are not broken you are homesick.
Thanks to Sophie for listening to numerous revisions and giving valuable input, and to Nic and George for indulging (and encouraging) my poetry exploits.
Thought-provoking, Dario.
What I take from this is that there is status and money to be gained from human discomfort, or even better, human suffering. That there is always someone with a new morning routine, course, or product. Their intentions may be genuine, they “help people”, but the course, podcast, or product only feels like a solution, while the underlying itch is insatiable.
No, you didn’t miss it. You did it. You were in it. You participated valiantly and played your part—you are the audience. That was the game here: not our healing, but our desire to be healed. That’s what makes the audience.
We are the ears needed for this to “resonate.” We participate in anxious hope that this will relieve discomfort, maybe to find a helpful tip, but inevitably not to resolve our whole discomfort. It’s performative. It’s important that we feel these things might be helpful. It’s their business to help. We are the audience, wallowing in our own discomfort, seeking release from another source who is incentivised to promise it works.
We’re just a part of the system here, one that is seeking hope. It’s not our fault that we buy into hope; it’s that or despair. I don’t think we missed it. We participate. That’s the product here, not our relief, but our participation, which gives credibility to those who might relieve us.
Hopefully, some of it is helpful.