the conundrum of self-love

maybe you can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps?

I mean, how could one not love this kid?

The other day, I was reading Demon Copperhead, the excellent novel by Barbara Kingsolver. It's about a young man who endures a series of very difficult life circumstances. Doing my best to avoid spoilers here, but at one point, he finds someone who is supporting him in a way that one would expect from a normal, loving upbringing. But in his mind, he imagines that it's conditional on his performance. He can't believe that someone would show unconditional love in this way. I'm sitting there thinking, "how quaint—this kid's mind is pretty messed up by his life circumstances, thinking he needs to perform to be loved."

And then it hits me. Holy shit, how often do I act like that kid? How often does my mind create these crazy "if then" conditional loops for myself to jump through, that promise happiness and worthiness just around the corner. If I do this, then I'll be worthy of love. If I achieve that, then I'll finally accept myself.

A few years ago I wrote a piece on how frustrating the advice of "stop being so hard on yourself" can be. If it was easy, of course I would have stopped. It's easy enough to recognize these patterns in another; the hard work is recognizing it in ourselves, and doing the work to ingrain inherent self-worth in our own being.

It's kind of like telling someone to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. But maybe it can actually be done?

There is one thing that has helped me: metta meditation - the practice of cultivating loving-kindness.

In the practice, you take someone that it is easy for you to love, as the object of meditation—a child, a favourite pet—anything that allows you to feel the sense of love in your being. Then you focus on that feeling, allowing it to grow, before then extending it to others.

But you need to start with yourself, often the hardest person to love. Top-tip —speaking from experience—don't start with your adult self. Think about a much younger version of yourself, your inner boy or girl. Because that beautiful innocent creature was simply doing the best that they could, trying to make sense of the world and doing anything they could to feel safe and loved.

I now have a photo of my two-year-old self as the background of my phone, and it's a daily practice to send some love to that little boy no matter what (he’s darn cute, so it makes it much easier ). I didn't start with that photo though. I started with a photo of my niece, because it's preposterous to think that I could have anything but unconditional love for her. Applying that same lens to myself has been real trick.

This has been a great foundation. Now my real practice is identifying the conditional hoops I’ve been setting out for myself.

They have come to the fore recently when I realized I haven't really been looking for a relationship because there are a couple of things I wanted to get sorted out first—financially, professionally—feeling like I need to make some decisions or have certainty in these areas before I can enter a relationship. The reality is that's just a projection, i.e. I think someone else will only accept me when I have these things in place, but in reality I’ll only accept myself when I have those things in place.

It’s a work in progress, but again, this awareness has been an important starting point. When I notice a conditional thought ("I'll be worthy when..."), I’m trying to gently name it as a learned pattern, not reality.

This piece feels unfinished. I'm not going to pretend I've figured this out or offer some tidy conclusion. This is ongoing work, part of slowly recognizing that every human being—including me—has fundamental worth that doesn't need to be earned. For now, I'm practicing what I've been writing about: accepting that this piece could be different, but it's enough as it is.

Definitely more to come!