I spent 90 minutes working on an essay exploring the pitfalls and potential of the all-to-common spiritual advice of “getting out of your head”. There was too much to say and a distinct lack of coherence, and I was very much in my head.
So I threw it all away to face the blank page again.
But there's a strange tension that has come now that a handful of folks have converted to paid subscribers (especially as some of them are friends…) There is a sense in which the monthly transaction of value from their side necessitates an equal transaction of value from mine. I’m hoping I can make it up to you over the long run.
As part of the make-up, which you may or may not feel entitled to, I’ve included an embarrassing photo that I took for the sole purpose of sharing with my nieces. Please accept this as my humble penance.
Perhaps it's worth telling you a bit of the story of what’s been going on behind the scenes. I've actually been writing a lot. But almost all of it has been in email exchanges with one person.
She initially responded to one of my posts, and spoke about similar experiences she's had on her own spiritual journey. It was a long, thoughtful email and it sparked something in me. I have historically been averse to replying to comments and emails, because time is a limited resource. But there was something different about this. So I answered at length, and now I have a pen-pal of sorts—not something I was expecting from this writing endeavour at all.
She’s great at getting to the heart of a matter and our exchanges have drawn out many interesting threads. I've explored topics beyond my usual territory, and started climbing out of some of the holes I'd dug in my psyche. All the while, she's been encouraging me to write more. I've recently taken up the habit of writing poems for ten minutes before starting work, mostly thanks to her initial impetus to explore poetry, rather than prose.
I feel like there are glimmers of new energy to direct into old projects, and maybe even some new projects. There are plenty of draft essays which I am hoping to get back to at some point.
Admittedly, getting the gears going again is hard. There are a few areas of my life which feel like they have stalled—a stuckness that grinds the soul. I’m reminded of the Buddhist saying: “no mud, no lotus”. My hope is that the stuckness is the mud, and that things have been happening beyond my comprehension.
But while life does sometimes drop in a sprinkle of magic, like a pen pal turned muse from out of nowhere, I also can’t sit around waiting for things to happen. Somewhere between surrender and action, I imagine there is a sweet spot. One more step in the eternal dance.